


amnesia

by sunsetveins



Series: forgiveness (can you imagine?) [1]
Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Amnesia - 5 Seconds of Summer, Clint worries, M/M, Peter is super sad, Sad, Songfic, Steve Is a Good Bro, and Wade is gone, i guess, idk - Freeform, removed the lyrics from this version, they all try to be good bros
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-11
Updated: 2016-06-11
Packaged: 2018-07-14 09:52:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7166390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunsetveins/pseuds/sunsetveins
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I wish that I could wake up with amnesia<br/>And forget about the stupid little things</p>
            </blockquote>





	amnesia

**Author's Note:**

> based on amnesia by 5 seconds of summer. i apologize for any ooc-ness and any errors.

No one understands why Peter misses Wade so much. Maybe it's because they never saw him at midnight when the city was cold and dark - open like a playground and limitless. Maybe it's because Wade was never Wade to them. He was Deadpool. A killer. A villain, even if they knew he wasn't. He was dark and evil and unapologetic. He was a mercenary. 

He wasn't Wade. Never had been to them. Had never been good in any sense of the word. Maybe that's it.

If you asked, they'd say it's because he seemed like more of a nuisance to Peter than anything else. They'd claim it's because he was himself, and they don't see how that's something Peter can miss. 

Oh, but Peter does. He misses him. It's like he's missing half of himself when he swings by the building roof top that they'd spent endless nights on, drinking and forgetting. It's like he's falling rapidly towards the earth when he remembers the last time they'd kissed on that very rooftop, how Wade had tasted like salt and some kind of cherry. He can't breathe, because he remembers exactly how he'd felt in that moment. He hadn't known. He had been so blissfully unaware and so, so in love. Oh god, had he loved Wade. 

Wade had loved him, too. He repeats this to himself like it'll save him. Wade had loved him. No matter how many times Tony tells him that Wade is fine, he knows that he had loved him. There's no way that he hadn't loved him back. There couldn't be.

He has someone else, Tony tells him. Tony is his last source of information on Wade. He won't tell Peter where he is or how he talks to him. Why he talks to him. But he tells Peter that he's fine and that he has someone else. Peter can tell from the sound of his voice that whoever he is, he isn't what Peter was to Wade. He doesn't treat him the same. It's almost as comforting as it is angering.

He wonders sometimes if Wade ever thinks about him. Does he ever feel lonely sitting beside of someone that isn't Peter? He used to tell him that was the case. That he felt alone even when he was in a room full of people. That Peter was the only person he'd ever felt was actually beside of him. Is that still true?

And the notes, the ones that Peter wrote to Wade when he'd say negative things about himself that he didn't think Peter caught, does he still read them? When whoever he's with hurts him. does he dig them out to remind himself that he's human? That he's capable of being loved?

Does he still love Peter? Does he miss him too?

-

Sometimes the doubt hits him like he's been tackled by Bruce when he's angrier than usual. What if it had been a lie? What if Wade had never really loved him? What if it was all a game?

If it was real, how is he fine? How does he wake up and go about his day like Peter had never even existed? How can he be fine when Peter is barely hanging on by the string of his own web?

How can he be fine when Peter isn't fine at all?

-

"Peter," Wade sat on the ledge of the building, tense and completely out of character, "come here."

Peter had known that something was wrong the minute Wade had shown up at his apartment without his mask on. That point had been driven home when he'd noticed that Wade had tried to cover up the scars with make-up again. He hadn't done that since he'd first shown Peter his face and Peter hadn't run screaming. 

Now, with Wade sitting like he's prepared to tumble towards the earth at a moments notice, Peter has no doubt in his mind that something is horribly wrong. He doesn't know what else to do but listen to Wade and sit beside of him.

"What's wrong?" 

Wade isn't breathing. Peter slaps his stomach so hard that Wade nearly falls backwards.

"The fuck, baby boy?" Wade gasps, clutching his stomach like it had actually hurt him for more than .2 seconds. 

"You weren't breathing again." Peter wishes he could say it hadn't happened before.

"Oh," Wade says. "Oops."

"Are you going to tell me what's going on now?" 

Wade tilts his head with a slightly confused look on his face. Peter can practically see the boxes inside of Wade's head sometimes.

"I love you," he says after a minute. "I love you, and I'm leaving you."

Shock doesn't seem like the appropriate term to describe how Peter feels. It doesn't sum up everything and it honestly feels like some sort of slap in the face to even suggest that it could define everything going on inside of his mind and heart. 

He isn't going to cry. He refuses.

"What?"

"I have to leave, Petey Pie," Wade sings, and it would be almost like he was mocking the situation if Peter couldn't see the shine in his eyes. Anyone else wouldn't have payed enough attention, so Peter knows that Wade is hoping he won't either. 

He knows him better than that by now. He has to.

"I don't understand," Peter says. He doesn't. Nothing adds up.

"I know," Wade replies. "I don't either. It's okay."

He stands, balancing like he's on a tightrope, and leans down to kiss Peter on the forehead. It's not raining, but Peter feels drops of water in his hair when Wade runs a hand through it, curling the ends around his fingers like he's done so often to rid Peter of the nightmares that haunt him.

Wade pulls back, flashes Peter a smile that makes the world split in two, and back flips off of the ledge. The last sight Peter remembers of the night is the make up that ran down Wade's cheeks, revealing what he hadn't had to hide.

He was crying. 

They both were. 

-

"I want to be a hero, Spidey."

Peter lifts his head from Wade's lap, trying to convey his silent question through the mask that's half on his face, pulled up and resting on the bridge of his nose. 

When it doesn't seem that Wade is going to continue, Peter asks him, "Why?"

It's quiet for a moment, and then, "I want to be good for once. For you."

"You know that you don't have to change anything about yourself for me."

"I know, but I want to."

Peter sits up, leaning back against the concrete of the building. He grabs Wade's gloved hands, tangling their fingers together as well as he can.

"If you really want to be something different, I'll help you. I promise. Just say the word." Wade tightens his grip on Peter's hands as the other speaks. It's weird to see Wade be so serious about something.

"Normal people, they have dreams, right? Goals? Wishes?" Peter nods. "Well, then this is mine. My dream. My goal. My wish."

"Okay," Peter says. "We'll make it happen."

They lapse into silence. It's a minute before Wade leans forward and kisses Peter breathless. 

-

Peter hates staying at the Avenger's Tower because Steve has gotten into watching hospital shows late at night with Bruce and Thor. 

In the morning, when they're all coming and going at breakfast, Steve and Thor like to talk about the episode they'd watched the previous night. Sometimes it's not that bad, but it's been getting harder and harder to keep from falling apart when he's reminded of how most times he just wants to forget. He wants to wake up without his memory. He wants to forget that Wade loved medical shows and he loved to tell Peter every gross and boring detail while he was trying to eat his breakfast in the morning.

He wants to wake up with amnesia. So he can forget those mornings and those nights when he had fallen asleep to a warm body and scarred fingers tangled in his hair.

He wants to forget every single thing he ever knew about Wade Wilson. He wants to forget everything.

-

"Are you okay, little Parker?" Clint is always the one to ask.

"Yeah," he lies. "I'm fine." 

-

He hates his phone. He hates it more than anything. He hates it more than he hates Tony when they're saving New York and he blasts the "Itsy Bitsy Spider" over the com. He hates it so much that sometimes he doesn't hate it at all.

Until he turns it on and sees his lock screen, remembers his password, and then sees his background. Then he hates it more than before.

He only does that in the comfort of his own room, though. Only when he can smile with tears running down his face and not be questioned endlessly. Only when he can freely admit that he actually likes to see the pictures, likes to know that he hadn't imagined them. Only when he can finally admit that he feels so alone that it's nearly suffocating.

The texts burn his eyes more than the tears do. He can't explain to his friends why he's never there. He can't. They wouldn't understand. They don't.

That's when he chucks the phone across the room and leaves it for another week.

-

He nearly screams every time Tony brings Wade up. He can't stand to hear his name. 

No, not his name. Never his name. Always "Deadpool" and never "Wade."

He doesn't think it would hurt so bad if they did call him by his actual name. Mostly because calling him by Deadpool seems like a denial. A denial of who he was and a denial of Wade Wilson's existence. 

He hasn't seen him since that night, so any denial seems like something that could be fact. He's falling apart without Wade. 

He's happy. He's moved on. It hurts worse than bullet wounds to know, but Tony tells him anyway. They were friends in Tony's eyes. He didn't know.

Maybe it's better this way. The pain reminds him that he's alive.

-

The way Tony tells it, it almost seems like Peter Parker never existed in the same instance as Wade Wilson. Spider-Man and Deadpool never crossed paths, not in any universe. It's like a dream.

They were a lie. That's what Peter's mind tells him. They'd been a lie since the start of it all. Whatever "it" could've been.

It seems like the only plausible option. How else could Wade be fine?

-

He's running low on webbing. He knows it. 

He jumps from the building anyway.

-

("You're beautiful, Wade. I don't know why you'd even try to cover up who you are.")

("It's raining," Wade sings. "Come and dance with me, baby boy!"

"Your make up," Peter protests.

"Let it run!" the mercenary shouts gleefully. "I'm beautiful!")

("Are you leaving already?" Peter mumbles sleepily. 

"Shh, little Spidey," Wade brings a finger to his mask covered lips. "it's only for the hour."

"Wha-"

"Love you!" Wade opens the window and dives out.)

 

-

("I'm going to be a doctor," Wade proclaims, "and you, Petey, shall be my nurse. It is my only wish in this life.")

("We're going to get married one day, Spidey, just you wait and see. My boxes tell me so.")

-

("PIZZA FOR BREAKFAST?!" Wade yells. "FUCK YEAH!"

"Could you be quiet?" 

"Never, Petey Pie, for you have cemented your fate as my husband."

"No."

"Wife?"

"No, Wade."

"Spider-Band? Spider-Wife?"

"I'll burn the pizza if you don't shut up."

"YOU WOULDN'T DARE!")

-

Peter knows that if Wade ever came back and all of this turned out to be a dream, he'd make things right. He'd be so much better. He'd hold on so much tighter.

He wouldn't ever let Wade slip away again. He swears he wouldn't.

The glaring thing, though, is that he'd never have to remember. He'd never have to say those awful words to himself again.

-

("I'm going on a trip!" It's the first thing Wade says to him after the robot bunny battle in the park. 

"To escape the bunnies?"

"Too soon, baby boy. Too soon."

They grin at each other for a long amount of time. It's like the world is centered around the two of them.

"When are you leaving, then?" Peter asks.

"What?"

"On your trip," he clarifies. "When are you leaving on your trip?"

"Oh!" Wade exclaims. "Now."

"N-"

Wade is gone before Peter can even begin to question it.)

("I'm never going on another trip," Wade says. It's two hours later.

"And why is that?"

"I missed you. It's my only wish to never have to miss you again.")

-

"Why are you still awake?"

Peter jumps and spins around, spoon held out in front of him like a weapon.

It's only Steve. 

He lowers his spoon.

"I can't sleep."

"You miss him, don't you?" Steve says.

"What?"

"Wade," Steve replies. "You miss Wade."

Peter could denydenydeny until his face turns blue, or he could spill his heart out to Captain America. He never thought he'd be in this situation.

He goes for neither.

"I do," he says slowly. 

"It's okay. I miss Bucky. It took me a long time to tell myself that it was alright, that loving him still didn't mean I was broken. For awhile, I wanted to be able to have amnesia. I wanted to bang my head against a wall as hard as I could, just to try and forget. But it's alright. All of it. You'll see that someday."

Peter is at a loss for words, but he manages to ask, "How do you know his name?"

"He didn't exactly strive for secrecy," Steve smiles. "We all just ignored the knowledge of it. I figured you might not want that right now, though."

"I- Thank you."

"Get some sleep, kid." Steve walks away, disappearing from the kitchen.

-

"I don't miss you," Peter says to his phone.

"I'm fine. I don't miss you. I don't."

"I'm going to sleep," Peter says, "and I'm going to wake up and I'm not going to wish for anything. I'm going to live and move on. I don't miss you. I don't need you."

"I'm fine without you."

**Author's Note:**

> hope that went well for you, fam.
> 
> this now includes a sequel btw


End file.
